


Broken

by Padackles_thewinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Dean, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt Dean, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Top Castiel, blowjob
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-25 10:41:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7529539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Padackles_thewinchester/pseuds/Padackles_thewinchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is depressed, broken, and self-loathing as usual. After developing feelings for Castiel his depression and alcoholism spirals out of control. Leaving Sam worried and Castiel one confused angel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for depression and suicidal idealizations. This is my first fan fic! Please tell me what you think.  
> This originally was an imagine for my Instagram and it turned into story!!

Dean was drowning himself in whiskey as usual at a local dive bar. Sam might be right about him having a drinking problem but honestly whiskey was the main thing that got him through the day. Lately he had been feeling things about Castiel that were somewhat unorthodox. It left him confused, wanting, and hurt like a schoolgirl when the oblivious angel didn't express emotions.  
Dean threw back two shots and slapped the bar signalling for more. “Rough day, huh?” The barkeep chuckled while pouring the sauce. “Nah, rough life.” Dean kept throwing them back until he was needing to concentrate on not slurring.  
“Buddy I gotta cut you off. You're already not safe to drive.”  
Dean stood from the barstool and sifted through his pockets for baby's keys.  
What am I going to do? I can't exactly tell Cas how I feel and even if I did its not like he would understand.  
Dean sauntered out to baby and fiddled with the lock some before slumping down in the driver's seat.  
He rested his head on the steering wheel and ran his fingers through short dirty blonde hair. “Why is life so shitty.” He turned the ignition and the impala began her rythmic purring. “At least your always happy to see me.”  
Dean drove home to the bunker with a growing sensation of fear in his gut. Shaking, sweating, the beginnings of an anxiety attack.  
He needs to get a grip on himself and face the hard facts of life. Castiel is an angel and he will never be able to romantically or erotically care about someone, especially Dean. The king of fuck ups and heartaches.  
\---------  
Sam was doing his usual research in the war room when Dean finally arrived at the bunker. Legs propped up on a chair with a book in hand and a cup of coffee sitting in front of him.  
His younger brother looked up at him in disbelief and shook his head.  
“You're drunk, again.” 

“Tell me something I don't know princess.”  
Dean grabbed their supply of whiskey and plopped down across from Sam. 

“And you're going to keep drinking?”

Dean propped his legs on the table and chuckled half-heartedly “I don't see why I shouldn't.”  
“I don't know maybe because we have work to do?”  
“Dude your killing my buzz. I'm going in the library.” 

Dean walked to the library ever so often taken a swig of whiskey at hand.  
Empty and quiet. The ideal place to drown himself and escape reality. He kicked off his shoes with more hostility than needed and fell into one of the chairs. “Cas ,Cas, Cas.” Dean mumbled into the half empty whiskey bottle. Liqour is all he ever needed to not feel like himself. Broken , alone, cold, the liqour just numbed it all away.  
A breeze blew across his face and with great effort he turned to see the concerned angel. “You called me Dean” Fuck. That wasn't a prayer he was only whispering his name. “No Cas I'm just throwing a pity party for myself.” Castiel tilted his head in confusion. “I don't understand. No one is here and there are no decorations, how is this a party.” Dean smiled, it's so adorable yet frustrating how oblivious his angel is. No. Not his angel the angel. Castiel kneeled down in front of Dean to get a better look of the slouched over hunter. “You're inebriated. I thought you promised Sam to cut back?” Dean watched Castiel's lips as he talked with worry. They were pouty and thin, probably soft. His eyes full of confusion and deep blue. The hunter could drown in those eyes, get lost in the touch of those lips. No, no, no Castiel is basically like a child. He can't consent to something he doesn't understand. Dean chugged the last of the whiskey in Castiel's face and the angel frowned in disappointment. “I'm taking you to your room. You must sleep this off.” Castiel reached forward to help Dean stand and he couldn't help himself.

 

Dean was intoxicated just enough that impulse control was gone and all he wanted was to soothe this pain. He kissed Castiel, at first tentatively, then to taste him. What other time would he able to do this?  
Castiel jumped back like Dean had hit him. “Dean what are you doing?”  
The words hit him like stones, the expression on Castiel's face broke whatever was left of his heart.  
“I-I don't know man. Ts’ the liquor.”  
Dean slurred hunched over where Castiel had left him. He could feel the tears coming along, the sobs threatening to rip from his lungs. It's settled Castiel doesn't want him like that.  
The angel assisted Dean in sitting up and gave the hunter a hug. He could see the drunk man was clearly in emotional pain but he didn't know why. “Dean did I do something wrong?” “No Cas, you're perfect man.” Castiel leaned into Dean and kissed him on his full lips. This time he jumped and pushed Castiel out of his face. “Stop! You don't know what you’re doing. Don't even think about doing that again.” Dean sobbed, his shoulders heaving with effort trying to control himself. “But Dean if it will make you happy I am more than willing to help.”  
He stood up and swayed from the liquor, the room spinning and his head heavy. “Go away Castiel.” The angel held Dean up and gave him a chaste on kiss. “You deserve to be happy.”

Dean pulled away from Castiel, he might be drunk but he knows not to take advantage. “Cas, you don't know what you're doing man. I-I can't let you do this.” The angel kissed him again much deeper and Dean held his breath. His bones were aching, his blood pressure rising, he wanted this so badly but it went against every fiber in his body. “I don't know why this makes you happy but let me do it. I'm tired of seeing you walk around with an air of self-hatred and depression.”  
Castiel sat Dean back down into the chair and dropped to his knees. He undid the hunter's pants and Dean fumbled at the angel's methodical movements. “Please Castiel stop.”  
Castiel released Dean's hard member from his boxers and he kicked the angel in the chest. “I said no Castiel!” This was killing Dean more than anything in the world, he wanted this but not in this way. He wanted Castiel to want it as well. The room began spinning again and a loud crash came from the entrance of the library. “Dean what's wr-” Sam had walked in and caught them in the act that shouldn't have been happening. Castiel leaned over Dean, “I will make you mine.” then left.

Dean trudged his way down the hallway to his bedroom. Ignoring Sam’s pleas to tell him what's wrong. What’s happening between him and Cas. There is nothing to tell Sam about the two of them. There is no him and Cas. Castiel is just confused and Dean is alone, broken, as usual. The hunter started sobbing again and he leaned against the wall. This liquor needs to get out of his system because he’s crying more than usual. On a good day he can bottle all of this angst and depression deep down inside of himself. He slid down the wall, knees to chest and screamed. Screamed into his hands. Screamed through the tears that were ripping themselves out of his lungs. Screamed out the frustration that builds up and up because nothing ever goes the way he wants to. Sam came rushing down the hallway and found his brother crying like a broken child. “Dean what’s wrong? Please tell me what happened.” Dean looked up at his younger brother with a tear covered face and empty eyes. “I love him Sammy and he can never love me back.” The young hunter helped his brother up and guided him to his bedroom. Their footsteps echoing in the hallway as Sam maneuvered with Dean’s dead weight. He laid him bed and tucked him under the covers. “It will be okay Dean, we’ll figure this out.”  
Dean couldn’t imagine anything ever being okay after this. Wave after wave of sobs, self-hatred, and the want to just taste metal hit Dean repeatedly. Maybe he won’t wake up this time….


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel realizes his ignorance of Dean's pain has had unwanted outcomes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for suicide, depression, violence

Castiel didn't understand why Dean wouldn't let him comfort the man. He cared deeply for him and seeing Dean self-destruct was painful to say the least. Once upon a time Castiel would have looked the other way at someone's pain but he couldn't do it anymore, not after being human. He now understood what it meant to love, to care, to forgive. He wasn't sure if he loved Dean but Cas would do anything to not see him in so much pain.  
Castiel went through this thought process over and over again while sitting in the gravel path of the bunker. He tossed a rock angrily at a tree and it ricocheted off. He wanted to leave this place, run and fight some monster to distract him from what happened but he couldn't. He couldn't justify leaving when Dean was in this state of mind. He stood up with ease and assessed the emotional energy from inside. Dean is asleep, Sam is worried. Most likely pacing like his older brother does in times of stress.  
Castiel opted to re-enter the building in hopes of finding out why Dean is like this.  
\------------  
Sam was pacing, absently pushing his hair out of his face and moving furniture around.  
“Sam, I do not think the bunker needs redecorating.”  
The younger hunter jumped at the sudden presence of Castiel.  
“Cas I'm really stressed. Can you alert me when you're going to “ he did a motion with his hands, “appear like that.”  
“I am sorry. I didn't mean to startle you.”  
Sam sat down in defeat. He wasn't sure why he was moving furniture but it helped give him a feeling of usefulness. “Cas, what happened earlier? What did Dean mean by he loved you and you'll never love him back?”  
This news shocked Castiel, how could Dean think that? Never loving the hunter would be impossible for him, he had given up his home for the hunter.  
“I assume it means he loves me and thinks I cannot or do not love him back.”  
Sam straightened in his chair and licked his lips before asking “Do you love him”  
Castiel briefly considered lying to Sam so he wouldn't get between him and Dean but knew that wouldn't be for the best  
“I believe I do…”  
The taller man threw his book at Castiel and the angel jumped back and withdrew his knife. “What are you doing Sam? You asked me and I answered.”  
“You’re a jack ass you know that!!” Sam hit Castiel and split the skin on his knuckles from impact “Dean is practically suicidal because he thinks you don't love him!” He grabbed the passive angel by the collars of his trench coat. “All you had to do was tell Dean how you feel!”  
Castiel recognized this for what it was. Sam was grasping at straws because he felt helpless and needed to find something to blame, a very human thing to do.  
Castiel peeled Sam's fingers off his trench coat and straightened out his outfit, “I assure you that I will bring Dean back from wherever he has gone in his mind.”  
Cas placed two fingers on Sam's forehead and gracefully caught the big man when he fell asleep. “Sorry Sam.” He didn't want Sam bursting into the room if for some unforeseen reason Dean starts screaming again. The surly hunter is upset and distraught because of him and he has to fix this on his own.  
Castiel went to Dean's room and saw the passed out man laying in a fetal position with the whiskey bottle still in his hand. He softly approached the side of the bed he didn't want to startle the man in case he was lightly sleeping.  
“Dean, I am sorry I have caused you so much pain. Will you forgive me?”  
The man didn't stir and Castiel became slightly concerned. “Dean?” He knew humans passed out hard after drinking but didn't seem to have been that inebriated. He felt Dean's pulse and it was there but faint. “Dean what did you do?” He crouched down and his knee kicked an empty pill bottle. “You fool.” Castiel said curtly once it dawned on him what Dean did. He placed a hand on the man's stomach and removed the content that was slowly killing him. Dean gasped awake, clutching at the bedspread and at Castiel's coat. “Cas!!” Castiel pinned Dean down and kissed him harshly. “Don't you ever leave me again.Who says I can't love someone? I can't care about someone?!” The angel yelled with rage that was boiling him alive. He had never felt this hurt and betrayed by someone before. “How could you leave without giving me the chance to say how I feel!?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex...they have sex

" How could you leave without giving me the chance to say how I feel!?” Dean didn't think about the possibility of Castiel feeling anything towards him. The guilt came in overwhelming tides, he couldn't breath through the anxiety. “C-cas I'm sorry.” The angel held Dean down by his wrists and whispered against his ear. “You should be. I've given up my home, my life, an entire army for you Dean. How could you even fathom that I don't love you?” Dean's heart stopped, he couldn't breath, Castiel said he loved him. What was he supposed to do with this? After acting like an asshole, getting drunk, and emotionally breaking down like a child. How could Cas even look at him the same. “Let me make you feel better Dean. It isn't only you that wants this.” The hunter swallowed loudly at Castiel's request, he wasn't sure what to do. With women he's a pro but he's never been with a man, hell he's not even sure why he's attracted to Cas. The angel traced a hot trail of kisses down Dean's neck, hands wondering to expose a well sculpted abdomen.  
“Cas I don't know about this.” Dean said nervously. This was everything he wanted but at the same time he was terrified, what if he fucked up again.  
“Shut up Dean.” Cas straddled Dean's lap and kissed him hard enough to leave bruises. “We both need this, want this, just let it happen.”  
Dean kissed Castiel back hesitantly, he was afraid. The angel usually never acted like this and he wasn't sure what the other man had in mind. “O-okay, but take it slow alright.” Castiel undid Dean's belt, unfastened his jeans, and pulled them down to his knees in one fluid movement. The hunter wasn't hard at all and Castiel did his head tilt and smiled before getting down to his elbows at Dean's crotch. “I've never done this before but I really want to try.” Before Dean could say what, Cas pulled his flaccid cock out of his briefs and drew him into his mouth. The hunter's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he took a sharp breath. God this was everything he imagined it would be. He looked down at Cas, his pouty lips wrapped around his stiff cock and cheeks hollow from sucking him. “Cas, you sure you've never done this before?” Castiel swiped his tongue over the tip of Dean's cock and he bucked his hips up to make him take in more. “I'm sure.” He smiled around Dean's stiff member. He teased, stroked, and sucked Dean till he was dripping and panting with the effort to not immediately come. “C-cas if you don't stop I'm going to come.” Castiel chuckled and crawled up Dean's body to kiss him. At some point Castiel had taken his clothes off without the hunter noticing. He straddled Dean with his hard cock resting on his stomach and the hunter moaned and bucked his hips at the sensation. “Are we fucking?” “ Be patient Dean.” He reached down and used Dean's precum to lube up the hunter's entrance. Dean paused at the unfamiliar sensation, not sure if he liked it or not.  
“Remember, go slow Castiel.” The previous fear back in place and he was ready to maybe just call it quits  
The angel got between Dean's legs, wrapping them around his waist, pressing himself against Dean's tight opening. “Relax or it'll hurt alot.” Castiel inserted a lubed up finger and moaned at the tight warmth. “God your so tight” He slowly moved his finger, stretching, looking for that sweet spot inside Dean. He hit his prostate and the hunter's eyes widened with surprise. “Wh-what-” Castiel hit the spot over and over and Dean arched his back and moaned wildly. Castiel briefly laughed to himself, it's a good thing he put Sam to sleep.  
After stretching the man with two more fingers he pressed his hard cock against Dean. “You ready Dean?” Dean pulled Castiel against his body and moaned, “fuck me Cas.”  
The angel slowly breached Dean's entrance and the tight warmth made a shudder run through his body. He pushed in till he was at his base and paused as they both got used to the feeling. Dean arched his back making Cas go in further and the angel took it as a sign. He pumped into Dean with an even pace, a pace that built up warmth and pleasure in both men. Dean's cock hung between his legs, hard and dripping. He gripped it tightly and began stroking it to the rhythm of Cas fucking him. "Cas... Cas" The pleasure was threatening to throw Dean overboard and he backed up to Cas silently begging for more. The angel was getting closer himself much quicker than expected because of this new sensation and he started to lose his rhythm as his climax edged closer. "Dean you feel so fucking good." The hunter's cock twitched at his name being moaned and he came all over the bed. Castiel pumped harder and harder then exploded in Dean's body. They both collapsed on the bed, legs and arms a tangled mess. Dean looked over at Castiel, happier than he had been in months, even years. "I love you Cas." Castiel looked at Dean solemnly, "I think I love you "


End file.
